“I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away to find a better day…”
(Craig David, “Walking Away”)
Closure is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. It sank unto me while looking at all the files and paperwork I did during my four-year stay in one of the country’s best colleges. I still had all my readings, some documents, and a lot of unsold chapbooks from my thesis days. Much as I wanted to use them as kindling fuel already so I can have more space in my cabinet, there’s a part of me that hesitated. Maybe some underclassman might find these useful. And then I realized…it was 2008 since I first stepped into those halls, leaving four years later with a diploma in hand.
Six years, that’s how long it took me to realize that it’s all over. I’ve made wrong decisions over that span of time and I can’t turn back the hands of the clock. Now the next best thing is to stop dreaming about things that will never happen, accept that it’s all over, and move on. I honestly just want to wake up one day without carrying dead weights in my heart. Dad told me to stop dwelling over my past, but it’s hard not to with all the regrets and unfinished businesses. He’s right about crying over spilled milk; there’s no use in doing so.
And what better way to end everything than getting an alumni ID and stopping by for one last time? Mundane as it may seem for other people, this for me is one symbolic act of closure. Thankfully, I managed to find time to do it. Two years have been too long and I’ve been waiting for the right opportunity. Thankfully, the special someone accompanied me on this day. If it was a solo effort, it would be more painful – but her presence is enough.
The road to my college stay was paved with a lot of issues from square one. During our college open house before the school year started, I literally froze upon seeing a longtime love interest who happened to be part of the program. It was a foolish thing I regretted until today, and my parents chided me publicly for it. From then onward, the disappointments started arriving one by one. I flunked Math 11 (Introduction to College Algebra I) during the first semester of freshman year, was forced to move out of the boarding house I stayed in during sophomore year, had a disagreement with my parents in my third year of college that forced me to shift to non-fiction and drop poetry altogether, and was caught in an issue between the church and the choir I was part of during the final months of my college year. These major highlights, coupled with a lot more things I would rather forget, made my college life something I would prefer to sweep under the rug.
I remember writing a full blog post in my old Multiply page about my lack of interest in typical college things back when I was a sophomore. Looking back from where I am now, I guess I screwed up big time – mainly because I had a different mindset compared to now. And yeah, I did screw up. Where am I, you might ask? I’m a salaryman who, unfortunately, is unable to make ends meet at times. While most of my peers are already on top of their game, I’m still at the bottom and always at the short end of the stick. But maybe, just maybe, it’s a lesson for me to simply be contented with where I am right now. This is just another step in the long process, and I actually am content with how little I have. But who am I to complain? Beggars can’t be choosers. I’ve given up a lot, and I’m willing to give up more things – my special someone is enough and I won’t ask for more.
Here’s one message to you youngsters: you have the advantage of Facebook pages such as ADMU Crushes and ADMU Secret Files, but don’t be limited by the anonymity those pages provide. Carpe diem; take the leap of faith! Nothing will happen if you stay behind the veil of mystery, hesitation, and what-ifs. I didn’t have that luxury back then, and I regret being unable to prove my capability and show the world what I can do. You have the advantages and the opportunities right in front of you, all you need to do is grab them! Do the things that you want and you have to do so you won’t end up like me, with a lot of regrets and bitterness about life.
If you’re from Ateneo and you’re a friend of mine on Facebook, this blog, or any social network I might have an account at – feel free to hit that unfriend or unfollow button. Rest assured I won’t hold it against you; then again, would I even have time to hold grudges against people when I’m already tired by the end of the working day? And with this, another chapter of my life has closed. In the end, I can just look back with a smile, shrug my shoulders, and walk away.
Thanks for one hell of a ride. For one last time before I sign off – goodbye and (I guess, maybe) see you at the crossroads.
-The Monching (083060), SOH, BFA CW 2012