WWE Chief Operating Officer and “The Authority” Triple H (Hunter Hearst Helmsley) has been cleared of charges stemming from allegations of his apparent Martilyo (Hammer) Gang leadership. In a unanimous 21-0 vote, the High Court ruled that there was not enough evidence to prove that The Game was indeed the person leading the group. In addition to this, the jury also cited his absence in the robberies as proven by closed circuit television (CCTV) footages shown to the police, corroborating Helmsley’s statements of negotiating a settlement with wrestler The Big Show live on national TV during one of the heists.
The Martilyo Gang has been accused of jewelry store heists in various malls for the past few days. A recent news report (in Filipino) has revealed the true leader of the gang as Thor, the Norse god of thunder and member of The Avengers. According to reliable sources, allegations of his connection with the group came from pictures showing him with a sledgehammer and wearing a “Tremble Before the Hammer” shirt – apparently serving as an inspiration for the criminals.
“Whoever made these allegations should do his homework next time”, he said in a press conference for the upcoming Royal Rumble pay-per-view. “Rumors of my connection with this gang have been greatly exaggerated, and they better start to pray once these are proven false.” With regards to Thor being named the Martilyo Gang leader, he did not hide his disgust on being caught up in the Norse god’s schemes. The Authority has promised to make the Asgardian “grovel at [his] feet to avoid incarceration and financial ruin” and “bow down to the king on both knees”.
Security has been tightened and the sale of hammers has been banned in shopping malls to prevent any crimes of this nature from happening again, with sledgehammers being included. On the other hand, Triple H gained notoriety with his use of the sledgehammer against his opponents in “no holds barred” matches, with the most recent victim being “The Anomaly” Brock Lesnar.
This was not the first time that Triple H was involved in a lawsuit. The King of Kings has also voiced out his negative opinions against the music video of Miley Cyrus’ song “Wrecking Ball”, specifically the scene where Cyrus licks a sledgehammer. Her camp has filed a defamation suit against Helmsley, stating that she “never meant to start a war”. The suit did not find sufficient merit in court and was quickly dismissed.
Despite The Game’s exoneration however, Raw General Manager Teddy Long has proceeded to book a match for Triple H as of press time. Helmsley’s wife Stephanie McMahon and the rest of the McMahon family declined to comment further on this issue.
(AUTHOR’S NOTE: Let me share this article I wrote as an attempt at doing a parody article involving WWE’s Triple H and the Martilyo Gang attacks last year. This is my first time to write something of this nature so please bear with me; consider this my New Year’s gift to you. Most importantly, please take note that this is a parody / satirical article much like the Eddie Guerrero returns after playing possum post in the Kayfabe News website. The featured image for this post was obtained from here. Happy New Year, everyone.)